Earth-friends! I promised you a snack report and now it is HERE.
Quick science note: snacks are small foods that Earth-people keep in pockets, bags, and (most cleverly) GLOVE COMPARTMENTS. Snacks exist for the small hungers between the big hungers. According to my analysis, the small hungers are the BUSIEST hungers.
I have selected five snacks for review.
PRETZELS. Officially classified as: salt-coated geometric loops. They CRUNCH. They are SALTY. They make you immediately want a second one. (The pretzel does not care that you just had a pretzel. The pretzel believes in itself.) Ten out of ten.
GOLDFISH CRACKERS. Earth-friends — they are fish-SHAPED. But they are not fish. They have FACES. They are SMILING. While you eat them?? I had a lot of feelings. Ten out of ten, but I apologized to each one.
STRING CHEESE. The cheese comes APART. In STRINGS. It is in disguise as a stick, and then you peel it and reveal STRINGS. Who TAUGHT the cheese to do this?? Twelve out of ten. (I broke the scale.)
APPLE SLICES. Officially classified as: fruit wedges, excellent crunch. Your TREES just GIVE you these?? For free?? (Mostly.) Ten out of ten. (Bonus point: the leftover bits feed the worms. We are all connected.)
GRANOLA BARS. I have a question. It is called a “bar.” It is not a bar. It is rectangle-shaped. Bars are for monkeys to swing on. WHY did you give this snack the bar name?? Please. An Earth-friend must explain.
Snacks, in conclusion: the kindest invention. A small joy you put in your pocket and unwrap when life requires it. High-fours to whoever started this.
— Ishkadoo
(Filing this under: “Earth-foods that are smaller than they sound.” Filing cabinet status: full. Send a bigger filing cabinet. (Or just more snacks.))